Kickz Of The Week: Strength Shoes by HOOPSKILLS

Are your legs always fresh and ready to go? Do you have a son you hate the living fuck out of? Like to fall down? Finally, a shoe for you/Geoff! With Strength Shoes, those powerhouses you rely on to do basically everything on will turn to flaccid spaghetti in no time…

Designed by the idiots over at HOOPSKILLS, a sports equipment laboratory run out of a van in Newark, Strength Shoes combine cutting edge ankle-sprain technology with a proprietary ridiculous design for unmatched results.

“Not only was I on the ground wreathing in pain,” a reviewer wrote. “But people refused to stop and help me because I looked so fucking stupid.”

Ironically available in black and blue

With over 20 years of “research and development of plyometric training shoes,” HOOPSKILLS is about as reliable as the prisons all of their “researchers” just got out of. “The hi-top adds ankle support,” it’s website ACTUALLY says, forgetting that the shoe is built on an unnatural 4-inch protrusion that, when it inevitably causes you to misstep, “will NOT shatter your legs bonez up to your dong-area.”

Based on the concept that running on your toes will build muscle, Strength Shoes promise to add 5-10 inches to your verticle jump, cut your 40 time by 2/10 of a second, and keep pussy one thousand nautical miles from your penis. GUARANTEED! So next time you’re on the internet and looking to drop $129.99 on crazy-person footwear, check out HOOPSKILLS mid-nineties web-store and send them cash/coke in exchange for Strength Shoes.